Wednesday, 22 January 2014

I don't know what to do / say

Today I feel: cooler, hungry

I kept my top on last night. Result!

This post has been swimming around my head for months now. Lots of people I know feel like they would like to be more supportive during the process but don't know if they should ask or not.

The simple answer is yes. It's quite cathartic talking about it mostly and people will say of they don't want to talk about it.

There are exceptions to this. Notably I really don't want to be hassled on the day of the test. If you have been involved and it works they will probably tell you pretty soon. If they don't say anything it probably hasn't and they can bring themselves the say it.

I will give two examples: one of good things to do on this day and one of bad things.

Let's do the bad one first.

My first cycle worked, and I was over the moon. Unfortunately there was a cloud hanging over me that I was bleeding. Two days later I took another test and it was negative. I fell apart. You spend the whole time this is happening investing everything you have, physically and emotionally, into the treatment, when I lost it I just felt... broken.
This is what you shouldn't do: Ring. Constantly.
I must have had 25 phone calls that day. When I didn't answer the house phone my mobile went. I had just about managed to stop crying, I could barely stand up. If someone had asked me how I was I would have fallen apart again.
The point I'm trying to make is. If they don't respond or answer the phone by accident they will call you or message you back when they see the message. If they don't then they want to be left alone.

Now a good example of how to deal with it.

The second cycle I had (frozen embryo transfer) didn't work. I was broken again, not quite as bad, but still a mess. I made the mistake of going to work. A male colleague asked how I was and I broke down. He, amusingly, ran off and got one of the women I work with who took one look at me and pretty much carried me to the canteen. When I was there another woman I work with saw me and came over. They went and got my stuff from my locker and offered to drive me home. I drove myself but it was lovely how they didn't probe or ask too many questions. They just saw I needed to be at home and sent me there. The only thing they checked was if my husband would be there.

What I'm trying to drive home is that it is fine to ask, but don't pester. Give us space if we need it.

I will leave you with two things.

Firstly it is always nice to offer a hug, I don't think I'd ever turn one down.
Secondly, never ever say "if it's meant to happen it'll happen", I will punch you in the face.

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