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Today I feel : fed up

I am officially fed up now.

I'm miserable. My tummy looks like I'm a sodding druggy, it's started to hurt when I pee which is lovely, they've upped my dosage so now I have 4 vials a day rather than 3. I just want it to be next week and it's only going to get more uncomfortable until then.

Scan

Today I feel : bloody shattered

So today I had my first scan. I have 6 follicles forming on my right ovary. Lefty wouldn't come out to play though so we don't know about her. They're all quite small though so they've upped my dosage of menopur.

On the plus side my cetrotide injection wasn't too horrific today. Phew!

The thing

Today I feel : itchy

Oh my god, I've just done my cetrotide injection. I look like something from alien is trying to escape from my tummy!

Damn it's hot and itchy too.

Already?

Today I feel : like an old woman

My hips are already hurting. I am not looking forward to how they'll be next week!

I managed to do an injection in my leg this morning. I still keep panicking a bit once I've made it up and realise I actually have to stick it in me but I'm managing.

I'm not looking forward to the cetrotide injections, I have to pull the plunger up on them to check there's no blood. If there is I may throw up a little.

Excellent

Today I feel: still sore, seriously?

I still have pain. I never have it for two days, I am not impressed. I have deployed a hot water bottle to help.

You will also be pleased to know that I have given myself a fine bruise with my first injection. I should look proper sexy after 2 weeks!

Ouch

Today I feel: awake

Well I did it and didn't pass out! It Stung like shit though!

Scared

Right now I'm feeling: pathetic, painful, terrified

I know I might be being pathetic but I've started panicking over the injections tomorrow. I've set my alarm for tomorrow so I get up to do it. I keep panicking and crying whenever I think about it.

I'll see you on the other side I suppose...

Edging Ever Closer

Today I feel: sore

Well, the decorators are in for hopefully the last time. I'm quite sore as usual. I blame all men for this.

Injections start tomorrow. Definitely, I've panicked and checked about 5 times this week.

This time I will do my injection lying down in my bed not like last time.

Last time I did my first one at the end of a 12 hour night shift sat on an office chair in the first aid room. It did not go well. I passed out and landed flat on my face. To this day I am glad no one walked in and saw me face down on the floor, arse in the air, jeans around my the knees. I ended up at A&E as I had a lump the size of a tennis ball on my head. Over 2 sodding hours in was there, I just wanted to go to bed! Anyway, I was fine, but I got a huge black eye. This apparently means that my husband beats me as whenever we went anywhere for the next week he got evil stares.

So yes, lying down in bed this time. I can't wait....

I don't know what to do / say

Today I feel: cooler, hungry

I kept my top on last night. Result!

This post has been swimming around my head for months now. Lots of people I know feel like they would like to be more supportive during the process but don't know if they should ask or not.

The simple answer is yes. It's quite cathartic talking about it mostly and people will say of they don't want to talk about it.

There are exceptions to this. Notably I really don't want to be hassled on the day of the test. If you have been involved and it works they will probably tell you pretty soon. If they don't say anything it probably hasn't and they can bring themselves the say it.

I will give two examples: one of good things to do on this day and one of bad things.

Let's do the bad one first.

My first cycle worked, and I was over the moon. Unfortunately there was a cloud hanging over me that I was bleeding. Two days later I took another test and it was negative. I fell apart. You spend the whole time this is happening investing everything you have, physically and emotionally, into the treatment, when I lost it I just felt... broken.
This is what you shouldn't do: Ring. Constantly.
I must have had 25 phone calls that day. When I didn't answer the house phone my mobile went. I had just about managed to stop crying, I could barely stand up. If someone had asked me how I was I would have fallen apart again.
The point I'm trying to make is. If they don't respond or answer the phone by accident they will call you or message you back when they see the message. If they don't then they want to be left alone.

Now a good example of how to deal with it.

The second cycle I had (frozen embryo transfer) didn't work. I was broken again, not quite as bad, but still a mess. I made the mistake of going to work. A male colleague asked how I was and I broke down. He, amusingly, ran off and got one of the women I work with who took one look at me and pretty much carried me to the canteen. When I was there another woman I work with saw me and came over. They went and got my stuff from my locker and offered to drive me home. I drove myself but it was lovely how they didn't probe or ask too many questions. They just saw I needed to be at home and sent me there. The only thing they checked was if my husband would be there.

What I'm trying to drive home is that it is fine to ask, but don't pester. Give us space if we need it.

I will leave you with two things.

Firstly it is always nice to offer a hug, I don't think I'd ever turn one down.
Secondly, never ever say "if it's meant to happen it'll happen", I will punch you in the face.

Yay! No drugs today!

Today I am feeling: calm, apprehensive

I finished my Norethisterone tablets yesterday which meant today I got to turn all the alarms on my phone off. It was a good moment.

Unfortunately the humongous bag of injections is peering ominously in the corner reminding me that I start them on Saturday.

Until then, unless anything major happens I think I'll be quite quiet.

Endometrial Scratch and Baseline Scan

Today I feel: sore, twitchy, slightly violated, warm, hormonal

At the moment I am taking Norethisterone tablets. These sounds harmless enough and I massively prefer the dosage form to the injections unfortunately they have two major side effects for me: they make me roastingly hot and crazy hormonal.
I have been on them for 22 days and I think out of 15 of them I have woken up in the morning to discover I have taken my top off in the middle of the night, and I'm still burning up. My husband assures me he had no part in it...
The crazy hormonal thing comes and goes, I'll be plodding along fine then I'll suddenly start crying. I did it last week at work and only remembered I was at work when someone asked if I was ok. It's great fun.

So today I went for my baseline scan and endometrial scratch. The baseline scan was fine, except my left ovary likes to play hide and seek, I think she's shy.

The endometrial scratch was, well as bad as expected. Let me give you some background which will explain why when I was sat bare-arsed on the be waiting for the consultant to come in I had a little panic/cry.

I have had 2 of these done before in my previous cycle.
The first was as part of a hysteroscopy. This meant that the scratch itself wasn't too bad as they had to numb my cervix anyway to get the camera through. However, it turns out that to have a good look at your uterus they need to inflate it like a balloon. This is massively uncomfortable, like painful uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that when the consultant said he was going to increase the pressure I wished I'd stuck with karate at the age of 13 so that I could kick him round the head.
The second one was just a standard scratch. However, when they did it I was on injections that basically shut your hormones down. As a result of this my cervix had decided that it was going to take on the role of Gandalf in Fellowship of the Ring ("YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!"). After about 15 minutes of them trying to get this catheter through, with my squealing/screaming to various levels the whole time, they managed to peel me off the ceiling and calm me down long enough for me to let them use a local anaesthetic. After that it wasn't that horrendous, except for the moment I saw the consultant pick something up. I don't know what it was or what it was used for, all I know is that I can't unsee it.

So anyway, as a result of this I was not particularly looking forward to this procedure. Sure enough, when they tried to get the catheter through, my cervix morphed into Gandalf again. Then the consultant said he was going to try using a clamp. My response was "WHAT!?" as my cervix ran and hid in a corner. They tried, it still didn't work, when they said tell me if you want me to stop, I said "Yes, please" slightly pleadingly and suggested they use local anaesthetic again. The rest wasn't too painful, but it was rather unpleasant when I saw all the blood afterwards. It's a little disconcerting to be told to avoid the blood on the floor when you get off the bed when you know it's yours.

The trip to the pharmacy after this was fun. The main side effects I get from local anaesthetic are twitchiness and complete doziness. I went to pay for my prescription. "£15.70" the lady told me, so I wrote that down and then for some reason passed her £20.30. She gave me £4.60 change and I looked at he and said "but I gave you the 30p", "Yes, it was £15.70", "Oh, yeh, sorry". I then went and sat in my seat and proceeded to twitch away, while she presumably thought that these were odd drugs to be giving me following brain surgery.....